Remember when the yellow school bus was our mobile university of questionable wisdom? Every morning ride was filled with pearls of knowledge from eighth-graders who seemed impossibly worldly to our young eyes. They spoke with the authority of those who had lived through the treacherous waters of middle school, and we hung on every word like gospel truth.
1. If You Swallow Gum, It Takes Seven Years to Digest
Tommy Morrison, that wise sage from the back seat, assured us all that swallowing gum was practically a death sentence. He claimed his cousin’s friend had an X-ray that showed years’ worth of Bazooka Joe stuck to his ribs like pink stalactites. The image was so terrifying that we’d chew our Dubble Bubble until our jaws ached rather than risk the digestive catastrophe.
Of course, we now know that gum passes through your system in a few days, just like everything else. But back then, Tommy’s dire warnings kept us frantically fishing those stubborn pieces out of our mouths when the teacher wasn’t looking. Some of us probably still feel a tiny pang of worry when we accidentally swallow our gum, even decades later.
2. Swimming After Eating Causes Deadly Cramps
According to Lisa from ninth grade, jumping into the community pool within an hour of eating was basically signing your own watery death warrant. She painted vivid pictures of kids doubling over with cramps so severe they’d sink like stones while their bologna sandwiches sat undigested in their stomachs. Her older brother supposedly knew a kid who knew a kid who almost drowned this way at summer camp.
We spent countless summer afternoons sitting poolside, watching the clock tick by those eternal sixty minutes after lunch. The irony is that our mothers were telling us the same thing, but somehow it carried more weight coming from Lisa with her frosted hair and knowing smirk. Those poolside waits felt like torture when all we wanted was to cannonball off the diving board.
3. Cracking Your Knuckles Causes Arthritis
Brian, the kid with the impressive collection of baseball cards, was also our resident medical expert on joint health. He’d demonstrate the proper way to crack every knuckle while simultaneously warning us that we’d all be crippled by age thirty if we followed suit. According to Brian’s extensive research (aka his grandmother’s stern warnings), each satisfying pop was destroying the delicate cartilage in our fingers forever.
This particular myth had staying power because it came with immediate consequences we could feel and hear. The guilty pleasure of that perfect knuckle crack was always followed by Brian’s ominous prediction of gnarled, arthritic hands in our future. Even today, when we absent-mindedly crack our knuckles during a long meeting, we might still hear Brian’s voice warning us about our impending doom.
4. TV Will Ruin Your Eyes if You Sit Too Close
According to Susan, whose family had the first color television on the block, sitting closer than six feet to the TV would guarantee you’d need thick glasses like her nerdy cousin Eddie. She claimed that the special rays from the picture tube were like tiny arrows shooting straight into your eyeballs. Her scientific explanation involved something about radiation and permanent retina damage that sounded absolutely terrifying to our eight-year-old minds.
We’d measure the distance from our bean bag chairs to the Zenith with our school rulers, making sure we were safely outside the danger zone. Saturday morning cartoons became a careful balancing act between seeing Bugs Bunny clearly and protecting our precious vision. The irony wasn’t lost on us years later when we realized Susan herself wore glasses thicker than Coke bottles.
5. You Can’t Go Swimming for Two Weeks After Getting Your Ears Pierced
Michelle, who got her ears pierced at Woolworth’s and was therefore the ultimate authority on body modification, insisted that even one drop of pool water would cause your fresh piercings to become infected and fall off. She spun tales of girls whose earlobes had turned green and basically rotted away because they couldn’t wait two weeks before diving into the town pool. Her graphic descriptions of pus and permanent disfigurement were enough to keep us all high and dry.
Those two weeks felt like an eternity during the height of summer, especially when all your friends were perfecting their underwater handstands. Michelle would inspect our earlobes daily, looking for any signs of the dreaded infection she’d warned us about. Looking back, it’s amazing how much power one girl with recently pierced ears could wield over an entire bus full of kids.
6. If You Cross Your Eyes, They’ll Stay That Way Forever
Danny Rodriguez had perfected the art of crossing his eyes until just the whites showed, and he used this talent to terrorize younger kids with dire warnings. He claimed his uncle’s eyes had frozen in a crossed position during a particularly intense face-making contest, leaving him looking perpetually confused for life. Danny would demonstrate his own eye-crossing abilities while simultaneously warning us not to try it ourselves.
The threat was immediate and visible, which made it particularly effective psychological warfare. We’d practice making faces in the school bathroom mirror but always stopped short of crossing our eyes, terrified they might lock in place right before math class. Danny’s warnings carried extra weight because he was living proof that you could tempt fate and still have normal vision, making him seem both daring and wise.
7. Eating Pop Rocks and Drinking Coke Will Make Your Stomach Explode
This urban legend reached fever pitch thanks to Kevin, who swore his older brother had witnessed a kid’s stomach actually burst from the deadly combination. According to Kevin’s detailed account, the carbonation from the Coke mixed with the popping candy created a chemical reaction so violent it was like setting off a tiny bomb in your belly. He painted such a vivid picture of ambulances and emergency surgery that we all swore off the combination forever.
The fact that Pop Rocks were relatively new made this seem entirely plausible to our young minds. Kevin’s story spread through our school like wildfire, and soon parents were getting calls from concerned teachers about kids refusing to drink anything fizzy after eating the crackling candy. We treated Pop Rocks with the same respect we’d give to actual explosives, carefully timing our consumption to avoid any accidental Coca-Cola encounters.
8. You Use Only 10% of Your Brain
Jennifer, who was in the gifted program and therefore knew everything about everything, explained that Albert Einstein himself had said we only use one-tenth of our brain power. She theorized that if we could somehow access the other 90%, we’d all have telepathic powers and be able to move things with our minds like that girl in the Stephen King movie. Jennifer’s scientific-sounding explanation made perfect sense to kids who felt like they had unlimited potential just waiting to be unlocked.
This myth was particularly appealing because it suggested we were all secret geniuses just waiting for the right key to unlock our hidden abilities. We’d concentrate really hard during tests, trying to access that mysterious unused portion of our brains that would make algebra suddenly make sense. Jennifer’s confident delivery and academic credentials made her the perfect messenger for this bit of pseudoscience that we desperately wanted to believe.
9. Eating Carrots Will Give You Perfect Night Vision
According to Mark, whose dad had been in the Korean War, carrots were basically natural night-vision goggles that could turn you into a human owl. He explained that fighter pilots ate nothing but carrots for weeks before important missions, allowing them to spot enemy planes in complete darkness. Mark’s military connection gave his nutritional advice extra credibility, and soon we were all crunching through bags of baby carrots like they were magical vision enhancers.
The appeal of this myth was obvious to kids who dreamed of having superpowers and staying up past bedtime. We’d test our improved night vision by sneaking around the house after dark, convinced that our carrot consumption was giving us an edge over our siblings. Mark would quiz us on our carrot intake and nod approvingly when we reported eating our daily dose of orange vegetables, like a nutritional drill sergeant preparing us for nighttime combat.
10. If You Touch a Toad, You’ll Get Warts
Sarah, who lived next to the creek and was therefore our resident expert on amphibian dangers, warned us that even the slightest contact with a toad would result in hideous warts sprouting from our skin like mushrooms. She claimed her little brother had petted a toad and within days had developed bumps all over his hands that required painful removal by the family doctor. Sarah’s vivid descriptions of surgical procedures involving sharp instruments kept us all far away from any warty-looking creatures.
This myth was particularly effective because toads actually do look like they’re covered in warts, making the connection seem obvious and scientific. We’d dare each other to touch the toads that hung around the school playground, but nobody ever had the courage to actually make contact. Sarah’s authority on creek-dwelling creatures was unquestioned, and her warnings kept an entire generation of kids from discovering that toads are actually harmless and kind of cute.
11. Lightning Never Strikes the Same Place Twice
During thunderstorms, Pete would position himself as our meteorological expert, explaining that we were perfectly safe in any spot that had previously been hit by lightning. He claimed this was a scientific fact that even Ben Franklin had discovered during his famous kite experiment. Pete’s weather wisdom seemed to make perfect sense to kids who wanted logical rules to govern the chaos of natural disasters.
We’d scan the neighborhood during storms, looking for trees with lightning scars or houses with obvious electrical damage, figuring these were the safest places to take shelter. Pete’s confident explanations helped us feel more in control during scary weather, even though his facts were completely backward. The idea that lightning had some kind of memory and would politely avoid previously struck locations was oddly comforting to young minds trying to make sense of nature’s randomness.
12. Your Hair and Nails Keep Growing After You Die
This delightfully macabre fact came courtesy of Mike, who had recently attended his first funeral and had apparently pumped the mortician for information. According to Mike’s extensive research, dead people needed regular haircuts in their coffins, and their fingernails would eventually scratch through the satin lining. His gruesome details about post-mortem grooming habits both fascinated and terrified us in equal measure.
Mike’s funeral expertise made him the go-to source for all death-related questions, and this particular tidbit sparked endless debates about the practical implications of eternal hair growth. We’d examine our own fingernails with new respect, imagining them continuing their relentless growth long after we were gone. Mike’s morbid wisdom added an extra layer of mystery to death that our young minds found both disturbing and oddly reassuring.
Those bus rides were our introduction to the beautiful unreliability of secondhand knowledge and the power of confident delivery over actual facts. We learned to question authority, do our own research, and maybe take everything we hear with just a tiny grain of salt. But even now, when we catch ourselves avoiding swimming after lunch or checking the distance to the TV, we have to smile at the lasting influence of those older kids who shaped our understanding of the world, one questionable fact at a time.
This story Things We All Believed Because an Older Kid on the Bus Said So was first published on Takes Me Back.
